The Color Blue: Remembering the Death of a Child

The Color Blue: Remembering the Death of a Child

by David J. Leonard | NewBlackMan (in Exile)

Today is the 6^th anniversary of the death of our daughter, Sophie.  Some 12 hours after we first met, she would succumb to an infection, dying right as we sat powerless.  In an instant, we had lost our child; we had joined so many other families worldwide who have lost children.

The day and our loss still haunt me.  I wrote about this part of my life here:

Each and detail of that day remains with: a graduate student dropping me off at the hospital; how sick my wife looked when I entered the room; the muted cries when she was born; the concerned look on our doctor’s face. More vivid and painful are the memories of me sitting on the floor when she went into cardiac arrest, the clothes I was wearing, the hospital smell, and the sounds of “code blue.”  Almost weekly, the sight of a helicopter prompts thoughts, painful memories of the 60+ mile trip I took in the dark as we searched for someone to help her.  I was so close to my dying daughter yet unable to help or hold her. 

These sights and sounds remain with me.  The fear that paralyzed me as sat in a hospital at 2 AM hoping, praying, and begging for her to get better, is still with me. Six years hasn’t quieted these visual memories, although time, family, and friends have been immensely helpful as we work to move forward with these memories.   The process of moving forward with these memories, with Sophie, was not an easy process.  I don’t even think about “healing” as it has never been about getting better but instead of taking steps forward with these memories, with our love for her, and with her being present in my life.  Therapy really helped in the process, allowing me to process my feelings about vulnerability, life and death, and a sense of powerlessness.  Writing has also been really important for me.  Her death led me to start writing spoken word pieces as a way to express my pain and sorrow.  With this in mind, I decided to share with you this piece, which entitled “The Color Blue”

The Color Blue

Blue Skies

Lighting my day

Sandy beaches, smiling under the hot sunny, blue skies

Blue water

Whether the Pacific Ocean or a calming lake

Childhood memories of a family splashing and merely enjoying the blue water

My Blue shoes

Certainly not suede, but my first pair of Jordans

White with blue trim

Looking fly with my Dodgers jersey and hat, ballin in blue before I know how to ball

Looking fly with my Dodgers jersey and hat, rockin in blue before I know what to do [with life]

Blueberry pancakes

The perfect remedy to a cold Sunday morning

The smell intoxicates the house; sweet and hot, comforting on even the dreariest day

I use to love blue

Even the blues

Because through other’s expressed pain I found my happiness

Not now

I am the blues

I have the blues

I am defined the blues

Because of the pain of the blues

No longer blues skies or pristine blue waters reflecting off the sun

No longer about fly blue gear or comfort food on the bluest of days

But blue as pain

Blue as despair

Blue as the beginning of a new life

And Blue as the end of several lives

Code Blue

Code Blue

Blue sirens blazin

As the doctors race to save her life

Wearing their blue scrubs

Code Blue

Code Blue

Blue sirens blazin

“She’s not breathin,” they yell

She’s turning blue

Code Blue

Code Blue

Blue sirens blazin

No longer pink and innocent

Her skin turns blue with each comment without the nourishment of Oxygen

Code Blue

Code Blue

Blue sirens blazin

Ifs that not enough, the needs and medicine leaves bruises

Dark blue, the color of those once comforting blueberries

A deathly blue

Code Blue

Code Blue

For her or me

Because my blues define me

Are me

Yet unlike my Sophie’s blue, my blues won’t kill me

***

 

David J. Leonard is Associate Professor in the Department of Critical Culture, Gender and Race Studies at Washington State University, Pullman. He is the author of the just released After Artest: Race and the War on Hoop (SUNY Press) as well as several other works. Leonard is a regular contributor to NewBlackMan, layupline, Feminist Wire, and Urban Cusp. He is frequent contributor to Ebony, Slam, and Racialicious as well as a past contributor to Loop21, The Nation and The Starting Five. He blogs @No Tsuris.